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Electrical and Computer Engineering Jokes

Electrical Engineering Jokes: Dilberts Rules; Rules of the Air (Flying); The Darwin Awards; The last internet page; Montana Temperature Conversion Chart; The Engineer's Song; Murphy's Laws; You're probably an engineer ...; Totally rotten puns...; Real stories of the non-technically inclined. . .; Useless Facts; Quotable Quotes; Real Engineers...; Top ten reasons to be an Electrical Engineer; Oxymorons

Computer Engineering Jokes: Your friend might be a hacker if ...; Windows 2000 Source Code Revealed; The Y0K Problem; Favorite Acronyms; Top 25 responses to software/hardware problems

okes...

Our hero Dilbert

Dilbert's Rules of Order

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3.Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
8. My reality check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
16. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. (AND WALK FAST)
20. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
23. Following the rules will not get the job done.
24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

The Darwin Awards - 2000

And the winners are:

GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use accessory straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was LONGER than the distance between the trestle and the ground." Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma". An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.

LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to test fire some fireworks. The only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and found dead some 250 yards from their respective seats.

DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT
A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.

THE BOYS OF SUMMER
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate himself) was hospitalized.

THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone ... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.

GOT A LIGHT?
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the scene of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.

And a near winner but a future Darwin Awards candidate is..............

A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue" ... the hard way. Apparently, Mr. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the stuff in the palms of his hands and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger."Sally" [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels shortly before Mr. Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers over four hours to remove his hands from the rhino's buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. And during this process the laxatives began to take effect and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Mr. Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while." Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.

The last internet page; check it out

Montana Temperature Conversion Chart

60 above:

Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats.

Montana people sunbathe.
50 above:

New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.

Montana people plant gardens.
40 above:

Italian cars won't start.

Montana people drive with the windows down.
32 above:

Distilled water freezes.

Gallatin River water gets thicker.
20 above:

Californians shiver uncontrollably.

Montana people have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
15 above:

New York landlords finally turn up the heat.

Montana people throw on a sweatshirt.
0 -

Californians fly away to Mexico

Montana people lick the flagpole.
20 below:

People in Miami cease to exist.

Montana people get out their winter coats.
40 below:

Hollywood disintegrates.

Montana's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
60 below:

Polar bears begin to evacuate Arctic.

Montana's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
80 below:

Mt. St. Helen's freezes.

Montana people rent some videos.
100 below:

Santa Claus abandons the North Pole

Montana people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
297 below:

Microbial life survives on dairy products.

Montana cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below:

ALL atomic motion stops.

Montana people start saying...."Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 below:

Hell freezes over.

The Bobcats beat the Grizzlies at football.

Optimists, Pessimists and Engineers

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

THE ENGINEER'S SONG

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer",
CADD that is ... CRT's ... Microstation;

Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer,
The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here",
They said "Dallas, Texas is the place ya oughta be",
So he drove until he felt the heat and humidity,
Summer that is ... no shade ... even your toenails sweat;

On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube,
Fed him a donut and sat him at a tube,
They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!"
Overtime that is ... Unpaid ... Mandatory

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
Some schedules got slipped and the boss was gettin' mad,
They called another meeting and decided on a fix,
They answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six"
Tired that is ... Stressed out ... No social life

Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray,
Jed worked hard while his life slipped away,
Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four,
Instead he got called in and escorted out the door,
Laid-off that is ... Downsized ... Unemployed.

Ya'll come back as a contractor now, Ya hear

Evidence that the gene pool may need a little chlorine . . .

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Warning!
At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, "Strip down, face toward me."

Editor's Note: Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?
A customer at a sub shop ordered a "small" soda. The owner responded, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and large." (Both cost 99 cents.) The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said, "Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium then."

Idiots and Geography
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

Advice for Idiots
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

Idiots in the Neighborhood
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the "Deer Crossing" sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars, and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

Idiots and Computers
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do our guys have a fire downtown?"

Idiots are Easy to Please
I was sitting in my science class when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

Idiots in Food Services
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

Idiots do Math
A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which point she paused, thought for a moment, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember." So someone else said, "That's neat . . . so every year that you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about that and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."

As we used to say in ... Civil Engineering:
"There is no engineering problem which cannot be solved by the suitable application of high explosives."

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they get their ladders and tape measures and go out to the flagpole. Attempting to measure this flagpole was turning out to be a much more difficult task than any of them had imagined; what with them falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures and so on, the whole thing had just turned into a total mess.

After a while, an engineer happens along and sees what they are attempting to do. She walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, and lays it flat on the ground. She measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away without saying a word.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs as he's shaking his head. "Now that's just like an engineer! We're looking for the height and she gives us the length!

A man piloting a hot-air balloon discovers he has wandered far off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the balloon to within hearing distance and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, about thirty feet above this field."
"You must work in information technology," says the balloonist.
"Yes, I do," replies the man. "And how did you know that?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault!"

Thought for the Week
--------------------
TOP TEN THINGS ENGINEERING SCHOOL DIDN'T TEACH YOU

10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
6. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
1. Dilbert is not a comic strip, it's a documentary.

Wage Inflation:

Engineers and scientists and will never make as much money as business executives. A rigorous mathematical proof explains why this is true:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is power.
Postulate 2: Time is money.

As every engineer knows:

Power = Work / Time

Since: Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money

Then: Knowledge = Work / Money

Solving for money we get: Money = Work / Knowledge

Thus, as knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity regardless of the work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make!

Paul Wesel, Boston

Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

True story, as heard on "Late Show with Tom Snyder" 3/3/97:

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun, whose purpose it is to launch dead chickens. It is used to shoot a dead chicken at the windshields of airline jets, military jets, and the space shuttle, at that vehicle's maximum traveling velocity. The idea being, that it will simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl, and therefore determine if the windshields are strong enough.

British engineers, upon hearing of the gun, were eager to test it out on the windshield of their new high speed trains. However, when the gun was fired, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken shattered the windshield, smashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified, the engineers sent NASA the results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the NASA scientists for any suggestions.

The NASA scientists sent back a one sentence response: "Thaw the chicken."

***********************************************
21 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping on the Job ...
***********************************************

1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."
3. "I was working smarter-not harder."
4. "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
5. "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
7. "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
8. "I was trying to remember where that difficult "Z" Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead."
9. "I'm in the management training program."
10. "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
13. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
14. "Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine is broken..."
15. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
16. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
17. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
18. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
19. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
20. "The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot."
21. "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Economics degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with that?"

Engineers think that equations approximate the real world.
Scientists think that the real world approximates equations.
Mathematicians are unable to make the connection.

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate".
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.
The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."
The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."
The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Three engineers from the engineering department and three managers from management are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three managers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers only buy a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a manager. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The managers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The managers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the managers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed manager. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three managers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves the restroom and walks over to the restroom where the managers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

A programmer and an engineer are on a plane. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a game to kill time. The engineer declines saying he would just like to take a nap. He then rolls to his side and tries to doze off.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is simple and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question and if you can't answer it you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question and if I can't answer it, I pay you $5." Again the engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The programmer, now agitated, says "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50." This catches the engineer's attention and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees.

The programmer asks the first question, "what is the distance from the earth to Mars?" The engineer doesn't say a word but hands the programmer $5. His turn, the engineer then asks, "what goes up a hill on three legs and comes down on four?"

The programmer looks at him puzzled. He takes out his laptop and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer takes the money and turns away to get some sleep. The programmer is very agitated, and asks, "well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5 and turns to go back to sleep.

Radio Explained

Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."

You're probably an engineer ...

If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
If you want an 8X CD-ROM drive for Christmas
If Dilbert is your hero
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
If your wristwatch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
If you've used coathangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
If you have -Dilbert- comics displayed anywhere in your work area
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
If you're convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
If you've modified your can opener to be microprocessor driven
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
If you own -Official Star Trek- anything
If you've ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
If you thought the concoction ET used to phone home was stupid
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
If you're currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
If you own one or more short-sleeve dress shirts
If you've never backed-up your hard drive
If you're aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
If you see a good design and still have to change it
If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
If you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers, but you don't remember where they are
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screwdriver to use
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
If you did the sound system for your senior prom
If your wrist watch has more buttons than a telephone
If you thought the real heroes of -Apollo 13- were the mission controllers
If you think your computer looks better without the cover
If you think that when people around you yawn, its because they didn't get enough sleep
If you know what http:// stands for
If you've ever tried to repair a $5 radio
If your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Twinkies

Totally rotten puns...

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches that have died of old age. He picks them up and places them in a sack. After cleaning the cage he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on to the next cage.
When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps who have also died of natural causes. "Waste not, want not," he says as puts them in the sack with the finches.
Later at feeding time, he flips the dead animals from the sack into the lions' cage.
"Bloody hell!" roars the lion, "Not finch and chimps again!"

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger".

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
"Dam!"

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The location of the dirt bag.

Why do a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn."
A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it!

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it!

What do you call skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop clop clop?
An Amish drive-by shooting.

How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

This guy stops into a restaurant for breakfast on his way home for the holidays. After looking over the menu he orders the Eggs Benedict. When his order arrives, it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she to the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said don't worry, "Someday your prints will come."

Q: What do you get if you cross Lee Iacocca with Dracula? A.: AUTO EXEC . BAT

A string walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here." The string goes outside, ties himself up, roughs up his head and goes back in the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you the same string who was just in here?" The string answers "No, I'm a frayed knot"

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bar tender says, "Hey, we got a drink named after you." The grasshoper says "You got a drink named Bob?"

A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bar tender "Give me a beer and a mop." Did you hear the one about the mushroom who couldn't get a date? "I don't know why the girls don't like me. I'm such a fungi."

In the city of Moscow, there lived a communist named Rudolph. One day the weather suddently turned terrible.
"Goodness", exclaimed his wife, "snow."
"No," said Rudolph,"it's rain!"
"I still stay it's snow," yelled the wife.
"Look,", he insisted,"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Two eskimos were paddling in their kayak along the Alaskan coastline. They were out there for a long time and they started to get cold. During one of their breaks they lit a fire to warm up, but tragically their kayak caught fire and they drowned. Moral of the story: you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew this and would always have the drink waiting at 5:00. One afternoon as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnuts. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his usual time, took one sip of the drink, and said, "Why, this isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

There are new plans in the works to build a self-sustaining space colony. At first the people would be sent to the station, followed by vegetation and animal life. The first animal to be sent up will be the cow since it can provide milk for the babies born on the colony. The plans are to have an entire shipment solely of cattle--it will be the first herd shot around the world.

He was an inventor of note. He created a big shoe with a phone in the heel. Now, he thought, he could use a phone whenever he wanted. He made several more so that he could have several shoes with phones in the house. One day, an emergency came up and he needed a phone bad. Would you belive it, he couldn't find a single phone boot.

There's this group of nudnick professors who like to go around discounting established theories. "The earth is flat!" says one. "Elvis is not dead!" says another. When the president of their university was asked why he kept renewing their tenure, he replied "They may cost a lot, but I just love academia nuts"

The King asked for three glasses of water. But his servant brought him two and a half glasses instead. What was the King's name? Philip the Third.

Real stories of the non-technically inclined. . .

IDIOTS IN SERVICE: This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00p.m.When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).

IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually-challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled,she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving

IDIOT SIGHTING #3: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"

I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen."
Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"

Totally useless facts...

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.
The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".
Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
Camel's milk does not curdle.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.
Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
All porcupines float in water.
Hang On Snoopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?
Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom."
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.
The only nation who's name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan.
Pamela Anderson Lee is Canada's Centennial Baby, being the first baby born 0on the centennial anniversary of Canada's independence.
When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

Real Engineers...

Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.
Real Engineers wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy.
Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier.
Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size.
Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches,and automatic transmissions.
Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day"
Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation with a dial tone or busy signal.
Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car".
Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.
Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.
Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs.
Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.
Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.

Top ten reasons to be an Electrical Engineer

10. You know that the CD-ROM drive on your computer is not a coffee cup holder.
9. Your favorite letters are HP.
8. You don't use white-out to correct mistakes on the screen of your wordprocessor.
7. You know that the three-finger salute means to simultaneously hold down the Ctrl, Alt and Del keys.
6. You don't actually wear a pocket protector but all your friends do.
5. You do wear a pocket protector.
4. You can't add without a calculator.
3. Your Christmas cards are on recycled computer paper.
2. Your favorite football team is the Houston Eulers
and the number 1 top ten reason to be an electrical engineer is
1. What you don't know about electricity would shock you

Computer Engineering jokes...

Our hero Dilbert

Your friend might be a hacker if..........
-Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
-Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
-When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.
-Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
-Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.
-Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."
-Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
-Their video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
-Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr./Mrs. President."
-You hear them murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA card now, Professor "I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"

Windoze 2000 Source Code

              #include "win31.h"
              #include "win95.h"
              #include "win98.h"
              #include "workst~1.h"
              #include "evenmore.h"
              #include "oldstuff.h"
              #include "billrulz.h"
              #include "monopoly.h"
              #define INSTALL = HARD

              char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
              void main()
              {
                  while(!CRASHED)
                  {
                      display_copyright_message();
                      display_bill_rules_message();
                      do_nothing_loop();
                      if (first_time_installation)
                      {
                          make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
                          do_nothing_loop();

  totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();

  search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();

  make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux();
                          disable_Netscape();
                          disable_RealPlayer();
                          disable_Lotus_Products();
                          hang_system();
                      }

                      write_something(anything);
                      display_copyright_message();
                      do_nothing_loop();
                      do_some_stuff();

                      if (still_not_crashed)
                      {
                          display_copyright_message();
                          do_nothing_loop();
                          basically_run_windows_3.1();
                          do_nothing_loop();
                          do_nothing_loop();
                      }
                  }

                  if (detect_cache())
                      disable_cache();

                  if (fast_cpu())
                  {
                       set_wait_states(lots);
                       set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
                       set_mouse(action, jumpy);
                       set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
                  }

                  /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1");    */
                  /* printf("Welcome to Windows  3.11");    */
                  /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95");    */
                  /* printf("Welcome to Windows NT   3.0"); */
                  /* printf("Welcome to Windows 98") ;    */
                  /* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */
                  printf("Welcome to Windows 2000");

                  if (system_ok())
                      crash(to_dos_prompt)
                  else
                      system_memory =
  open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

                  while(something)
                  {
                      sleep(5);
                      get_user_input();
                      sleep(5);
                      act_on_user_input();
                      sleep(5);
                  }
                  create_general_protection_fault();
              }

The Y0K Problem

Dear Cassius,

Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.

I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work. As usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hour glass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem and I will send you a parchment if anything further develops.

Vale. Plutonius

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner He told them: "I need three important people to send my message out to all people --tomorrow I will destroy the earth."

Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them: "I have two really bad news items for you:
1) God really exists and
2) Tomorrow He will destroy the earth."

Clinton called an emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them: "I have good news and bad news:
1) The GOOD news is that God really does exist
2) The BAD news is, tomorrow He is going to destroy the earth."

Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and very happily announced: "I have two fantastic announcements:
1) I am one of the three most important people on earth
2) The Year 2000 problem is solved."

-------------------- WITH APOLOGIES TO ABBOTT AND COSTELLO:

A Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question:
Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program ?
UNIX consul: Yes, that's correct.
Customer: No, what is it ?
UNIX consul: Yes.
Customer: So, which is the one ?
UNIX consul: No. 'which' is used to find the program.
Customer: Stop this. Who are you ?
UNIX consul: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get information about yoo'.
Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code ?
UNIX consul: Use 'what'.
Customer: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true ?
UNIX consul: No. 'true' gives you 0.
Customer: Which one ?
UNIX consul: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'
Customer: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?
UNIX consul: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get the revision code.
Customer: I want to find the revision code.
UNIX consul: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.
Customer: Which command will do what I need?
UNIX consul: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.
Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.
UNIX consul: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.
Customer: Write what?
UNIX consul: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.
Customer: Cut that out!
UNIX consul: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.
Customer: Do you always do this ?
UNIX consul: 'du' will give you disk usage.
Customer: HELP!
UNIX consul: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).
Customer: You make me angry.
UNIX consul: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when I was upset once.
Customer: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.
UNIX consul: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'.
Customer: Nice help! I'm confused more now!
UNIX consul: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.
Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.
UNIX consul: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the Pascal Compiler team.

The Fourth Law of Programming:

Anything that CAN go wrong wi
/kernel: pid 128 (sendmail), uid 0: exited on signal 11 (core dumped)

After about an hour, he wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer takes the money and turns away to get some sleep. The programmer is very agitated, and asks, "well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5 and turns to go back to sleep.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles per gallon."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" And...

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95", or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10 If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
" Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power ... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Favorite Acronyms:

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
DOS - Defective Operating System
APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
SCSI - System Can't See It
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
DEC - Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete Monthly
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW - World Wide Wait
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Math
COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language(who says ?)
AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP - Lots of Infuriating Silly Parenthesis
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Them

Top 25 responses to software/hardware problems:

25. Even though it does not work, how does it feel?
24. There must be a virus in the application software.
23. Somebody must have changed my code.
22. It works, but it's not been tested.
21. It's already there, but it has not been tested.
20. Didn't I fix it already?
19. THIS can't do THAT.
18. I can't test everything!
17. It's just some unlucky coincidence.
16. It will be done in no time at all.
15. Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
14. I'm almost ready.
13. Oh, it's just a feature.
12. You must have the wrong executable.
11. Yes yes, it will be ready in time.
10. I have not touched that module!
9. There is something wrong in your test data.
8. The user has made an error again.
7. Has the operating system been updated?
6. The machine seems to be broken.
5. How is this possible?
4. Well, the program needs some fixing.
3. It did work yesterday.
2. I've never heard about that.
1. Strange...

Instructions for Microsoft's New TV Dinner Product

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter: If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size.

Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Ponder These ...

01. How is it possible to have a civil war?
02. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
03. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
04. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
05. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?06. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
07. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
08. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
09. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
10. If the Number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still Number 2?
11. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
12. If you're born again, do you have two belly-buttons?
13. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
15. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
16. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
17. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
18. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
19. What happens when none of your bees wax?
20. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Top 50 Oxymorons

50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance

And the Number one top OXY-Moron......

1. Microsoft Works

Murphy's Laws

Contributions of Edsel Murphy to the Understanding of the Behaviour of Inanimate Objects
D.L. KLIPSTEIN

Manuscript received April 17, 1967; revised June 3, 1967. The work reported herein has not been supported by grants from the Central Intelligence Agency. The author is Director of Engineering at Measurement Control Devices, 2445 Emerald Street, Philadelphia, Pa.

ABSTRACT.

Consideration is given to the effects of the contributions of Edsel Murphy to the discipline of electronics engineering. His law is stated in both general and special form. Examples are presented to corroborate the author's thesis that the law is universally applicable.

l. INTRODUCTION

It has long been the consideration of the author that the contributions of Edsel Murphy, specifically his general and special laws delineating the behaviour of inanimate objects, have not been fully appreciated. It is deemed that this is, in large part, due to the inherent simplicity of the law itself.

It is the intent of the author to show, by references drawn from the literature, that the law of Murphy has produced numerous corollaries. It is hoped that by noting these examples, the reader may obtain a greater appreciation of Edsel Murphy, his law, and its ramifications in engineering and science. ``

As is well-known to those versed in the state-of-the-art. Murphy's law states that "If anything can go wrong, it will."

Or, to state it in more exact mathematical form:
1+1 => 2 where => is the mathematical symbol for hardly ever.

Some authorities have held that Murphy's Law was first expounded by H. Cohen when he stated that "If anything can go wrong, it will.......during the demonstration."

However, Cohen has made it clear that the broader scope of Murphy's general law obviously takes precedence. To show the all-pervasive nature of Murphy's work, the author offers a small sample of the application of the law in electronics engineering.

ll. GENERAL ENGINEERING.

ll. 1. A patent application will be preceded by one week by a similar application made by an independent worker.
ll. 2. The more innocuous a design change appears, the further is influence will extend.
ll. 3. All warranty and guarantee clauses become void upon payment of invoice.
ll. 4. The necessity of making a major design change increase as the fabrication of the system approaches completion.
ll. 5. Firmness of delivery dates inversely proportional to the tightness of the schedule.
ll. 6. Dimensions will always be expressed in the least useable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
ll. 7. An important instruction Manual or Operating Manual will have been discarded by the Receiving Department.
ll. 8. Suggestions made by the Value Analysis group will increase costs and reduce capabilities.
ll. 9. Original drawings will be mangled by the copying machine.

lll. MATHEMATICS

lll. 1. In any given miscalculation, the fault will never be placed if more than one person is involved.
lll. 2. Any error that can creep in, will. It will be in the direction that will do the most damage to the calculation.
lll. 3. All constants are variables.
lll. 4. In any given computation, the figure that is most obviously correct will be the source of error.
lll. 5. A decimal will always be misplaced.
lll. 6. In a complex calculation, one factor from the numerator will always move into the denominator.

lV. PROTOTYPING AND PRODUCTION

lV. 1. Any wire cut to length will be too short.
lV. 2. Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty of assembly.
lV. 3. Identical units tested under identical conditions will not be identical in the field.
lV. 4. The availability of a component is inversely proportional to the need for that component.
lV. 5. If a project requires n components, there will be n-1 units in stock.
lV. 6. If a particular resistance is needed, that value will not be available. Further, it cannot be developed with any available series or parallel combination.
lV. 7. A dropped tool will land where it can do the most damage. (Also known as the of selective gravitation.)
lV.8. A device selected at random from-a group having 99% reliability, will be a member of the 1% group.
lV. 9. When one connects a 3-phase line, the phase sequence will be wrong.
lV. 10. A motor will rotate in the wrong direction.
lV. 11. The probability of a dimension being omitted from a plan or drawing is directly proportional to its importance.
lV. 12. Interchangeable parts won't.
lV. 13. Probability of failure of a component, assembly, subsystem or system is inversely proportional to ease of repair or replacement.
lV. 14. If a prototype functions perfectly, subsequent production units will malfunction.
lV. 15. Components that must not and cannot be assembled improperly will be.
lV. 16. A dc meter will be used on an overly sensitive range and will be wired in backwards.
lV. 17. The most delicate component will drop.
lV. 18. Graphic recorders will deposit more ink on humans than on paper.
lV. l9. If a circuit cannot fail. it will.
lV. 20. A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
lV. 21. An instantaneous power-supply crowbar will operate too late.
lV. 22. A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
lV. 23. A self-starting oscillator won't.
lV. 24. A crystal oscillator will oscillate at the wrong frequency-if it oscillates.
lV. 25. A pnp transistor will be an npn.
lV. 26. A zero-temperature coefficient capacitor used in a critical circuit will have TC of 750 ppm/C.
lV. 27. A failure will not appear till a unit has passed Final Inspection.
lV. 28. A purchased component or instrument will meet its specs long enough, and only long enough, to pass Incoming Inspection.
lV. 29. If an obviously defective component is replaced in an instrument with an intermittent fault, the fault will reappear after the instrument is returned to service.
lV. 30. After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
lV. 31. After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.
lV. 32. After an instrument has been fully assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.
lV. 33. Hermetic seals will leak.

V. SPECIFYING

V.1. Specified environmental conditions will always be exceeded.
V. 2. Any safety factor set as a result of practical experience will be exceeded.
V. 3. Manufacturers spec sheets will be incorrect by a factor of 0.5 or 2.0 depending on which multiplier gives the most optimistic value. For salesmen's claims these factors will be 0.1 or 10.0.
V. 4. An instrument or device characterised by a number of plus-or-minus errors, the total error will be the sum of all errors adding in the same direction.
V. 5. In any given price estimate by a factor of 3.
V. 6. In specifications, Murphy's Law supercedes Ohm's.

REFERENCES

[1] ll. Cohen, Roundhill Associates, private communication.
[2] p. Birman, Kepoo, private communication.
[3] T. Emma, Western Union, private communication.
[4] K. Suaker, Westinghouse Semiconductor, private communication.
[5]_ _ _ _, loc cit.
[6]_ _ _ _, loc cit.
[7]_ _ _ _, loc cit.
[8]P. Muchnick, Sorensen, private communication.
[9]A. Rosenfeld, Micro-Power, private communication.
[10]P. Muchnick, loc cit.
[11]R. Cushman, .McCann/Itsm, private communication.
[12]_ _ _ _, loc cit.
[13]_ _ _ _, loc cit.
[14]S. Froud, Industrial Communications Associates, private communication.
[15]L. LeVieux, Texas Instruments, privet communication.
[16]G. Toner, Sylvania, private communication.
[17]H. Roth, Power Designs, private communication,
[18]W. Buck, Marconi Instruments, private communication.
[19]A de la Lastra, SED Systems, private communication.
[20]P. Dietz, Data Technology, private communication.

In some cases where no references is given, the source material was misplaced during preparation of this paper (another example of Murphy's Law). In accordance with the law, these misplaced documents will turn up on the date of publication of this paper.

Here is Dr. Jameson's comments on this:
This was great! However, Murphy was real - and he was really an electrical engineer! Capt. Murphy was an EE assigned to Col John Paul Stapp (only Dan and I remember Col. Stapp) who performed some high G rocket sled experiments in California & New Mexico in the '50s. On the second set of tests (20+ Gs), Stapp was told by his Sgt. in charge of intrumentation that the intrumentation had failed to record. Stapp directed Murphy to investigate and Murphy soon discovered that the intrumentation had been installed with (apparently) reversed polarity. He made the comment to Stapp that if there were two ways to do something, invariably the wrong one would be picked. Stapp, in his press conference, said that Capt. Murphey had told him that "If something can go wrong, it will." Hence came Murphy's Law. By the way, I don't remember Murphy's 1st name, but his middle name was Aloysius.

RULES OF THE AIR

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
Thanks Bob Jackson

More Flying Stories

The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
***************
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.
****************
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City. KC Approach:
"Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."
Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
****************
Tower: "TWA 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
TWA 702: "Tower, TWA 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from TWA?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied TWA and we've already notified our caterers."
****************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight . While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff".
****************
One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it yourself?" Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."
****************
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
****************
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
****************
A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?" The clerk said, "Just a minute." "Thank you," the man said and hung up.
****************
A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the clerk, "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle."
"I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that."
"Why not? You did it last time!"
****************
"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.."
"But Tower,we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
****************

Quotable Quotes

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. so far, so good.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.


	For more information, please write us at: Electrical and Computer Engineering Dept. Montana State University Bozeman, MT 59717 Telephone (406) 994 - 2505 Fax (406) 994 - 5958 eedept@ee.montana.edu Authorized Users Only

This Page was Last Modified: 09/20/2001